Breadbox Edition: Star Wars Episode II
by Mithquare
Summary: Sex, Drugs, and the Attack of the Obviously Evil CGI Clones: Yes it is another random breadbox from the royal we. We like the movie, or we did until we had to focus on it and write about it. so if the breadbox sucks, dont blame us, blame the movie itself.


Star Wars Episode II: Sex, Drugs, and the Attack of the Clones  
Star Wars in a can opening  
More bad things are happening, only this time, the Jedi are making it worse. What is the world coming to and why is the ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC so  
important?  
CGI Starry Back Drop  
Pan UP to planet. OOOH surprise!  
Very slow space ships move  
Audience: Land already! Ship lands on an obviously rigged CGI landing platform on the incredibly  
CGI Corescant Planet!  
Obvious decoy is killed in space ship explosion  
Audience: that's much better.  
Amidala: At age 24, I still look like I did 10 years ago  
INT: Obviously Evil home of the Obviously Evil Palpatine  
Palpatine: I'm obviously evil. Negotiations people!  
Yoda: Jar Jar clouds everything. Hard to see the future is.  
Audience: NO its JAR JAR!  
Amidala: Dooku is trying to kill me.  
Counsel: doubtful, very doubtful.  
Yoda glares at Obviously Evil Palpatine  
Palpatine: take Jedi protection! I love you Padme.  
INT: Very CGI elevator, leading up to the CGI quarters of Amidala  
Obi Wan: Let me break the awkwardness.  
Ani: I'm better than you.  
Obi Wan: Screw you.  
INT: Very CGI quarters of Amidala  
Jar Jar: Blah blah blah  
Audience: NOOOOOOO  
Amidala: I love you Ani.  
Ani: I love you Padme.  
Obi Wan pukes  
Ani: I love you Padme  
Obi Wan: Obey me!  
Ani: If you looked like Padme, I just might.  
Obi Wan slaps Ani  
Ani hides in shadows  
Amidala: I'm not gonna watch this  
Jar Jar: I'm gonna do somethingsa stupidsa.  
Ani: Shut up Jar Jar.  
EXT: Obviously Evil meeting place in the outside of the Obviously CGI  
Planet Corescant  
Obviously Evil Bounty Hunter: Kill Amidala.  
INT: Very CGI quarters of Amidala  
Ani: I have good Jedi senses.  
Obi Wan: No you don't. Stop trying to kill your love.  
Ani: No.  
Obi Wan: Can I analyze your dreams?  
Ani: Ok.  
Obi Wan: Your dreams will pass.  
Audience: Oh that was really insightful.NOT!  
Ani: Amidala makes me feel high.  
Jar Jar: (music) 'cause I got high, because I got hiiigh!  
INT: Amidala's Bedroom  
R2D2: Beep Beep  
Evil bugs who are too smart snek towards Amidala  
INT: Very CGI apartment of Amidala  
Ani: Palpatine rocks.  
Obi Wan: He is obviously evil. I sense something.  
Ani: your high too!  
INT: Amidala's Bedroom  
Amidala: Because I got high, because I got hiiigh.  
Obi Wan follows the Obviously Evil Bounty Hunter, being pursued by Ani.  
Many good CGI flying scenes  
Ani rescues Obi Wan EXT: Spaceship flying though the very busy, Obviously CGI Planet Corescant  
Obi Wan: You almost killed me! You are too cocky.  
Ani: Amidala intoxicates me.  
Ani does things one should never do in a convertible  
Ani does something stupid which, nevertheless, turns out ot be just the  
right thing to do.  
Ani: I'm gonna commit suicide.  
Obi Wan: Why am I always stuck with stupid people? Ani holds on to Obviously CGI ship and cuts with Obviously CGI light saber.  
  
Bounty Hunter: My face is chchchchanging.  
Ship blows up  
Bounty Hunter escapes and runs like hell  
INT: Obviously Evil CGI Night Club on Planet Corescant  
Obi Wan: Ani, wait, lets go slow because it will so not keep running.  
Ani: Fat chance.  
Audience: Ew. women in thongs  
Ani: It's a changer.  
Audience: What's a changer?  
Music in the background: 'cause I got high, because I got hiiigh.  
Person 1: Buy Death sticks!  
Obi Wan: Rethink your life (Jedi mind tricks rock!)  
Person 1: Ok  
Obi Wan catches Bounty Hunter  
EXT: Behind club  
Bounty Hunter: I will tell you nothing!  
Ani: I am obviously evil.  
INT: Jedi Counsel  
Yoda: I'm gonna make Ani have an assignment with the person he wants  
to.rape.  
Ani: YAY!  
INT: Obviously evil home of Obviously evil Palpetine  
Ani: I trust you implicitly.  
Palpatine: I love you Ani.  
INT: Jedi Counsel  
Obi Wan: Don't give Ani an assignment  
Yoda: Its ok (mind trick does not work).  
Obi Wan: Bad idea.  
INT: Amidala's Very CGI home  
Amidala: Jar Jar, you are in charge.  
Jar Jar: Okie day.  
Audience: Bad idea but at least we don't have to deal with him  
Jar Jar: Blah Blah Blah  
Amidala: I love you Ani Ani: I love you Padme. I am gonna have a brief, profound moment and then  
shrinking to the Obviously evil seven year old on Tatooine.  
Amidala: I'm afraid, I'm very afraid. Most say something profound.  
Ani I am so not sorry.  
EXT: Landing Craft for Naboo  
Obi Wan: Ani, be good  
Padme: I cant look cheap, no matter what I do!  
Ani: Lets go frolic in the hay.  
R2D2: I feel ignored. Obi Wan and Guard: Were afraid. Why did we send these two off alone again?  
INT: Obviously evil diner  
Obi Wan: What is this (holds up dart).  
Obviously evil friend of Obi Wan: you wont understand.  
Audience: No kidding. Because I got high, because I got hiiigh.  
Obviously Evil Friend of Obi Wan: You must gamble  
Obi Wan: Flash back to Qui Gon.  
INT: Jedi Library  
Obi Wan: Why are the archives incomplete?  
Librarian: Thou shalt not insult the holy archives.  
George: that is the 10th commandment, for those of you who care.  
Audience: Alright oh mighty Zeus!  
INT: Random Café on the way to Naboo  
R2D2: Why am I now the personal slave?  
Ani: I love you Padme.  
Amidala: I love you Ani.  
Ani: love rocks!  
INT: Jedi Classroom  
Yoda: A visitor we have. Time to make fun of Obi Wan it is.  
Audience: Oh Ewan! Just marry me! Please!  
Yoda: Randomly search where the planet should be.  
Obi Wan: Ok. First let me get high.  
EXT: Naboo Palace  
Ani: you were a good queen. I love you Padme.  
Amidala: I am a good senator. I love you Ani.  
INT: Palace of Naboo  
Queen: Negotiations! Peace!  
Audience: flashback. NOOOOOOOOOOO  
Ani: you are taking away my job!  
Amidala: I am starting to understand Obi Wan.  
Audience: 1st sign of division between high lovahs.  
EXT: Random Space Crappy starship blasts off with Obi Wan inside it and lands. Remember this  
landing platform  
Obviously Evil Alien: Hello, Obi Wan. We have been expecting you!  
Obi Wan: Damn what the hell am I on?  
La Matsu: I look vaguely like Elrond.  
Obi Wan: Erm. Uh huh. I'll pretend I know what you're talking about.  
La Matsu: This army is for the republic. I must foreshadow.  
Obi Wan: Sure. So what did you say I was on again?  
EXT: Excessively Pretty CGI Naboo Palace  
Padme: I am madly in love with you, Ani! So look at my slutty dress! Ani: I don't like sand. I'm making a fool of myself. I love you Padme! Kiss  
me now! Padme: just a sec, wait for this hallucinogen to wear off. did you say you  
don't like sand?  
10 min later  
Ani: Ok, shall we kiss yet?  
Padme: er, not until the audience is asleep.  
Audience: *zzzzzzzzz snick snick. Have they kissed yet? Damn.  
Ani: ok, I have waited 10 years to do this.  
Audience: FINALLY!!! Padme: Whoops, I wasn't supposed to do that, huh? Ok, no more kisses for at  
least two scenes.  
INT: Random Space Port on Random Planet  
Obi Wan: Damn, that's a lot of clones.  
La Matsu: yeah, they're smart too.  
Obi Wan: Really? La Matsu: Yeah, and they're genetically altered! Oh, let me mention bounty  
hunters.  
Obi Wan: That's what I'm here for, huh.  
Obviously Evil Alien: Wanna sleep with me?  
Obi Wan: Ok.  
Female Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
Obi Wan: ok  
  
Camera pan across army of CGI clones, that look like storm troopers  
  
Audience: GASP! STORM TROOPERS  
EXT: Excessively Pretty CGI Planet of Naboo  
Ani: So, who did you love before me?  
Padme: well he was insanely handsome.  
Ani: ok, that's enough. I'm jealous.  
Audience: what's with those.NOOOOOOOOOOO LEIA!  
Ani: Lets put some semblance of intelligence in this movie: politics!  
Padme: but you'll make fun of me.  
Ani: All right, enough politics. Lets romp!  
Audience: Oh no. Bad thoughts. No get out! Get out! Suggestive pictures on screen, prompting all audience members over age 13  
to think of porn  
EXT: Random Planet  
  
Dragon rider of? Approaches CGI Clone building  
  
INT: Jengo Fett's Obviously Evil CGI Apartments in the CGI Clone Building  
Obviously Evil Alien: Foreshadowing is your friend. Hello future bounty  
hunter Boba Fett.  
Jengo: Time to set up some tension between Obi Wan, making the less dim members of the audience and myself realizes Obi Wan is tracking ME! Do you  
like me? Obi Wan: of course! I look forward to seeing massive reproductions of you  
in action!  
Female Audience: We look forward to seeing YOU in action! Hehe  
Jengo: Ok, time to go.  
INT: Obviously CGI Dining Room in the Palace of Naboo Ani: Time to crack bad jokes that are actually vaguely funny. Let me cut  
your obviously evil CGI pear for you!  
INT: Obviously CGI Living Room in the Palace of Naboo  
Padme: Look; I'm falling out of my dress! Ani: *drool. Let me profess my love to thee. But I hurt. Because I'm close to you. If you kiss me again, it will make it all better.damit why don't  
you suffer? Speak!  
Audience: what the.  
Padme: i.  
Ani: no not like that  
  
Extended make out scene  
  
EXT: Random CGI Landing Craft on the Random Planet  
Obviously Evil Alien: I will miss you, my love. Obi Wan: why did I do that? To Yoda: Um.there was an.er.bounty hunter. and  
. uh.some clones.that's it! Yoda: lying you are. Find the bounty hunter or else I will tell the whole  
Jedi Counsel about what really happened.  
EXT: Palace of Naboo  
Ani: I am having a wet dream.  
Audience: wow nice position!  
Ani: my mommy haunts me.  
Audience: uh huh.  
Ani: let me help her  
Padme: I love you, take me with you.  
EXT: Random CGI Landing Craft on the Random Planet  
Obi Wan has a cool CGI sword fight with Jengo Fett.  
As Obi Wan falls off the space ship:  
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly  
I do not know why she swallowed a fly  
Because I got high, because I got high.  
  
Obi throws tracking device on ship  
  
EXT: Obviously Evil CGI Market Place on the Planet Tatooine  
Ani: chut chut watto  
Audience: huh? Ew flies  
Watto: Ani? I hate you leave me alone. I sold your mom, just leave me  
alone!  
Ani: fine! Let me just use my intimidation to get my way.  
Watto: fine I will help you.  
EXT: Random Planet with Lots of Comets  
Audience: ooh Saturn  
Boba Fett: shake him off dad  
Jengo Fett: yeah we are gonna kill him.  
Boba: yippee!  
Audience: wow you are really screwed up!  
  
Obviously evil CGI bombs and effects fly out at Obi Wan  
  
Obi Wan: Aw damit!  
Audience: those are the coolest bombs ever.  
  
Ships fly though Obviously Evil CGI meteors  
  
Boba: we killed him.  
Audience: George, please kill off this sick kid.  
George: hey! He is based on me as a child.  
Audience: that explains a lot!  
  
Obi Wan hides and saves himself from further CGI dangers  
  
INT: Shimi's House  
R2D2: I feel neglected.again.  
C3PO: your mother is dead.  
Ani: waaaaaaaaaaa  
Lars: my girlfriend lives with me. Can you guess what we do?  
Padme: probably what WE do.  
Obviously evil Step Dad: I'm racist and hopeless.  
Ani: I don't like you. I can find her, you are dumb and I am bitter.  
Padme: I will miss you. Ominous music and shadows of Darth Vader flash across the screen. Obviously Evil Ani sets off on an obviously evil speeder a la Darth Maul in search of  
Obviously Evil captors of Shimi.  
Audience: she has a home?  
EXT: Obviously Evil Saturn-like Planet  
Obi Wan sees lots of heavy machinery  
Viceroy: I want Amidala's head on a silver platter.  
Lee: you sicko! All right though.  
All: we will sign your treaty.  
Lee: The Jedi have no chance.  
EXT: Obviously Evil Camp of the Captors of Shimi Ani: could they be keeping my mother there? Yes I think I will jump down 3  
stories and investigate the paper mache tents.  
Obviously evil dog thing coughs up a bone  
Ani: look at me dart between the tents. I am so stealthy.  
Audience: sure.  
Shimi: I love you Ani!  
Ani: I love you mommy!  
Audience: does everyone in the movie have a mad crush on him?  
Ani: yes.  
Shimi dies  
Ani: she died? I must kill them all! Audience: why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people  
is wrong?  
All Jedi: disturbance.in.. force  
Vader music plays  
EXT: Obviously Evil Saturn-like Planet  
Obviously Evil grasshopper pops up  
Obi Wan: stay where you are, take care of Padme.  
EXT: Tatooine  
Ani arrives at his stepfather's house carrying the body of Shimi.  
Audience: now where did he get the body bag?  
Obviously Evil Step Dad: I feel stupid.  
INT: Mechanic Basement in Obviously Stupid Evil Step Dad's House  
Ani: I am an obviously evil mechanic!  
Audience: Ooooh look at the pretty flashing patterns in the background.  
Ooooh foreshadowing!  
Ani: I hate Obi Wan.  
Padme: I'm afraid.  
Ani: I killed them all!  
Padme: Homicide, life on the street!  
EXT: Shimi's Funeral  
Ani: I am all-powerful!  
Audience: just throw the damn dirt already. Padme: it is hot and I am wearing a scarf. Does that make any sense to you?  
Me neither. Good we are all on the same page.  
C3PO: Ani, I'm gonna use irony with Obi Wan's name.  
Ani: fine fine ya big pain!  
Yoda: There is more happening on Geonosis. Audience: no duh! And that one button transmits a message to Courescant and  
brings up a map. Hmmm. Who would guess?  
Padme: my hair looks like the Bohr model of the atom!  
Padme (con't): We have to save Obi Wan.  
Ani: but.  
Padme: come on, handsome. You're coming with me.  
INT: A Building in Courescant  
The obviously evil leaders of some random planet counsel  
Palpatine: I have the blue alien under my control! Give me power!  
Suggestive pan to Jar Jar. Could he actually be. useful? Nah  
INT: Cage on Obviously Evil Saturn-like Planet  
Obi Wan: Traitor. Lee: Actually, my name is Saruman! By the way, this is a mistake. I'll set  
you free.  
Obi Wan: Sure. Lee: on my terms. By the way, let me bring up painful memories of Qui Gon.  
Obi Wan: Gandalf- I mean Qui Gon would never join you!  
Lee: sure. He was only my APRENTICE! Darth Sauron is controlling the  
republic!  
Audience: Wow, Obi Wan has really cool boots. Why is this movie so like  
Lord of the Rings? Lee: You must join me, Gandalf, and together we will share the power of the  
One Ring! Hold on, that's the wrong movie. Obi Wan: I will never join you, Dooku-man! I mean. Saruku! Well. who ever  
you are.  
INT: Senate  
Jar Jar: give Palpatine control of whole universe!  
Audience: we hate you, jar jar.  
George: But. he's saying something useful!  
Audience: so what?  
ET Aliens: ET phone home!  
Palpatine: I'm gonna make an army.  
Jedi: we will go to Geonosis.  
EXT: Geonosis Padme: I'm better than you so listen to me! Hey look, the walls are waking up and they can see through my shirt. Ahhhh. Yes today was a bad day for  
this outfit. Especially with all these Obviously Evil CGI machines.  
Ani: Waving lightsabor needlessly and fighting the Obviously Evil CGI  
machinery. Guess who won?  
Padme: I'm gonna die.  
C3PO: look, now I'm comic relief.  
Ani: I'm gonna die.  
The molten iron moves ever nearer and yet ever farther away from Padme  
until she is freed from the giant CGI cup  
Ani: Damn, my light saber got broken in half. again.  
INT: CGI Hut Before CGI Ring Of Death  
Padme: I love you Ani  
Ani: I love you Padme  
Audience pukes. A lot  
EXT: CGI Ring Of Death  
Ani: we came to rescue you!  
Obi Wan: Bloody helpful of you. Not really  
Obviously Evil Random Alien: fjouelrueoiu  
Audience: ahhhhh!  
Obviously evil CGI rats, bulls and crabs come out  
Padme climbs up tower  
Obi wan lets crab release him and dances around  
Ani jumps on bull's back Padme's shirt becomes even more see-through due to parts of it being torn  
away. Ani drools  
Crab, possibly even more annoying than Jar Jar, tries to kill Obi Wan  
Padme kicks cat in the stomach and cat (a big wuss) crumbles and cries  
before striking a new offensive  
Ani tames the bull  
Padme jumps and lands on the "magic triangle"  
Male Audience: ow!  
Obi Wan: gotcha! Or not.  
Windu: this party is over! Jedi come out from random places and unnecessarily wave lightsabors over  
their heads. Jedi army charges Obviously Evil CGI Droids. Obviously evil battle ensues.  
One must wonder how the Jedi don't get hit in the back.  
C3PO: I really AM comic relief huh? Jengo: I'm gonna kill people, then swing my gun around like a really cool  
dude.  
Obi Wan kills crab.  
Audience: Yay! Next up: Jar Jar.  
Windu kills Jengo.  
Audience: Yay!  
Boba: my daddy's dead. Waaaaaaaa  
Audience: haha serves you right  
C3PO: Die, Jedi dogs!  
Jedi are hopelessly outnumbered. They die in droves.  
Clones and Yoda come. to save the day!  
Obviously Evil Alien gives plans to Dooku for Obviously Evil, Obviously  
Predictable Death Star.  
Something blows up  
Audience: We like!  
Obviously evil Dooku rides obviously evil scooter a la Darth Maul  
Audience: How many times is it necessary that we see that?  
Really cool CGI dust scene with neon lights.  
Padme falls on only non-rocky piece of ground.  
Ani: Padme! Don't leave me!  
Obi Wan: Now, now, Ani, remember you're not supposed to love her!  
Ani: ok.fine!  
INT: Obviously Evil Docking Port  
Ani: Ok, I'll kill Dooku. now!  
Ani is quickly disposed of, due to arrogance.  
Obi Wan: Stupid kid. Somewhere else, Padme lays injured on ground but seemes fine when she gets  
up  
Padme: We have to help Ani!  
Dooku hurts Obi Wan  
Female Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Ani randomly flies to save Obi Wan but doesn't do too good of a job, even  
with two light sabers. Very cool scene in the dark with light sabers  
ensues.  
Ani: look, my arm got cut off, so I stuffed it in my shirt! Yoda approaches. Major test of will occurs, in which *gasp Yoda prevails!  
Yoda takes out light saber  
Audience: They come in pints? We love you, Yoda!  
Count Dooku runs. Audience: wow, Ani and Obi Wan are really resilient. They must be on. well  
something.  
Lee/ Dooku: Here, o Palpatine. Have plans for the death star.  
Ominous music plays, pan over clones. The clone war has begun.  
  
Anti-climatically, Ani and Padme get married  
Ani: I love you Padme  
Padme: I love you Ani  
Audience: finally!  
  
George Lucas is named excessively  
Audience: We hate you, George. We love you George.  
George: Oh yeah? Well @&$^  
Film cuts  
Obi Wan's Disembodied Voice:  
There once was a lady who swallowed a fly  
I do not know why she swallowed a fly  
Perhaps she'll die  
Because I got high, because I got hiiigh. 


End file.
